We are so extremely happy to announce that we are welcoming another baby into our family! We have been yearning for this little one for quite some time and we couldn’t be more happy that our family is finally growing by 2 more feet! That’s right. No twins for us! Nora was not pleased to find out that there won’t be 2 babies joining us. She even argued with the ultrasound technician at our first appointment and told her “there should be two in there!” The secret is I had to counteract every single one of her prayers begging for twin brothers.
While we are so elated to be expecting another little person, this month also brings a wave of sadness. October is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Awareness Month. Mr. E and I experienced a miscarriage a few years ago that we never really opened up about. It was too painful to face. But keeping it bottled up only made the pain grow. It’s something people talk about all the time and, no doubt, a lot of women have gone through it. But that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. And you cannot quite fathom it until you’ve suffered it yourself. This is such a touchy subject to talk on because there are so many emotions. Emotions that feel justified, and many that don’t. I never thought I should feel guilty for having a miscarriage, but you bet your bottom dollar that that one hit me. Like a ton of bricks. Guilty because it was my fault, because I did something wrong, or guilty because “at least I can have kids”. Right? Like my pain is less valid just because somebody else’s trial is greater? Why do our emotions do this to us? I couldn’t just feel. I had to dissect and analyze my feelings. It was a confusing painful thing to experience. It’s still confusing. The “why” always gets me. And beckons my unsteady mind pleading for an answer that cannot be delivered.
I have wanted to share this news with y’all for so long now. Mostly because I needed to explain why I have been so MIA. And because, let’s face it, sometimes it’s nice just to complain about it unapologetically. I’ve wanted to tell you guys that my means of homeostasis have been powerade and daily naps. I’ve wanted to tell you that I have thrown up more in the last 12 weeks than I have the rest of my life combined. I’ve wanted to tell you that my kids have watched an unhealthy amount of television in the last few months in hopes that someone would validate me. I’ve wanted to tell you that I’ve dropped Nora off at school without brushing my teeth or applying a bra for about 6 weeks straight now. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you guys because of this debilitating fear of loss.
When I was 6 weeks with this little babe, I started bleeding and ended up in the emergency room. And after hours of tests and painful waiting, the doctor informed us that they couldn’t see a heartbeat and that the embryo wasn’t at the size they would expect for a 6 week old fetus. So I left the hospital bleeding and broken. About 99% of me knew this was the end. And my heart was broken. What was worse was the waiting. We had to wait a week before seeing the doctor to confirm or deny the spontaneous abortion (medical jargon for miscarriage – also I’d like to punch the person in the face who thought “spontaneous abortion” was a good way to inform hormonal mothers that they may or may not be losing a baby). So even though 99% of me was convinced otherwise, that lasting 1% held on to the slightest bit of hope left. And I prayed. Man did I pray. And I can tell you this, I believe in the power of prayer. Because a week (that felt more like a year) later, we went in for an ultrasound and along with the butterflies and nervous cramps that were residing in my belly, was a tiny strong heartbeat hanging on for dear life. There on that ultrasound screen I saw an answer to my prayers. And I ugly cried tears of joy.
The worrying hasn’t stopped completely, I don’t think any pregnant mother doesn’t worry. But it has definitely decreased. And I’m so grateful for a 12 week old plum sized fetus who will be joining our family in May. And if you can’t tell .. these girls are just a tad bit excited too! Those faces don’t lie.
Thank you all for following our journey. I cannot wait to share this big fat crazy hormonal ride with you guys! If you’re pregnant – drop a line below. It’s great to have a community of Baby Mama’s so we can all share about how we ate lunch meat that day, or how we haven’t brushed our teeth in 3 days, or how we took a bath that was warmer than advised by medical professionals. (eye roll).
Thanks for reading friends!